Remember Me

            My dear parish family, I wrote this blog on grief a few weeks ago. Since then, much has changed in our world due to the Corona virus. There are many things that we grieve for right now - our lives before this happened, friends, family and complete strangers who are battling illness or have succumbed to it and died, job loss, relationships strained by separation or being with each other more than we have been in a long time. Whatever our loss may be, grief can be a common thread we share. Sometimes our grief may be for a loved one who is on the front lines of this battle in the medical field or a first responder for whom we worry about their safety. Others may have someone who is in an essential job whose work schedule is busier or is very different than it was before. Let us continue to support each other with compassion and prayer as we grieve for our losses.
 
            Grief can be defined as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss, painful regret or sharp sorrow. The grief I am referring to is much more than when your sports team loses a big game. Grief from loss comes in many forms; death of a loved one or friend, or even someone you didn’t really know, but admired or respected, loss of a job or relationship, loss of things familiar to you.
 
            Not only can we as individuals be affected by loss, especially death, but some occupations and vocations are more likely to be affected by multiple deaths. For instance, first responders, firemen, paramedics, police, nurses, doctors, military personnel, may come to mind. Others we may not think of as readily are hospice workers, primary care givers, and clergy.
 
            In my position as a deacon, I see and experience grief surrounding the death of a loved one most often. Grief affects each person differently. Some may be very sad or distraught, even to the point of uncontrollable crying. Others may seem to be the strong one, not that they don’t care, but they feel they have to be strong for others. Some may just be numbed by the whole experience and not know how to feel. I’ve seen anger at the person who died, anger at God for taking their loved on away from them, or anger at God for not answering their prayer to have more time with the one they loved. I’ve seen folks who grieve very privately, as soon as the services are over, they “cocoon” away so they won’t have to answer that perennial question, “How are you doing?” It helps to realize that everyone grieves differently. Just because someone doesn’t grieve like I do doesn’t mean it is the wrong way to grieve.
 
            One of our local marriage and family therapists, Rachel Hensley, gave me some ways we can approach others who are suffering a loss.  Try not to say things you don't know to be true like "They're in a better place” or “It will be okay". Offer comfort and active listening. Empathize. Don't try to be uplifting or make it better. That's for you, not them. Focus on the bigger picture. The pain is real. Allow grief to take place and just be there.
 
            I believe that one of the toughest forms of grief for individuals, families, and first responders is collective grief. Collective grief is the grief that can mount up from multiple losses, especially if those losses are close in time proximity. I have seen families lose a Mom and Dad within months of each other, or siblings or children within weeks of each other. You barely get your head wrapped around one loss and then you’re going through it all over again.
 
            I encourage families to not be shy about getting help following the death of a loved one. Our parish has a Bereavement group that meets monthly. Our group is facilitated by a trained spiritual director and members share with each other the pain of loss and different ways to cope with loss.  Many local hospice groups also offer bereavement sessions facilitated by their hospice chaplain. Our parish clergy also have resources for counseling in our area that can help us deal with loss and its effects on us.
 
            I am better able to encourage folks to take advantage of this now because I was in a place where I had to seek out counseling for collective grief. I spent several months last year with a counselor from a Catholic Counseling center called Gratia Plena. The first thing I had to do was to really look at myself and realize that I needed to talk things through and work on getting some tools to deal with grief in a positive way. I had to realize it was ok to be sad, to cry, to be a little mopey, but it is not ok to get to the point where this collective sadness shapes your days and how you interact with your family and others. As clergy, many times it is difficult not to be the strong one or not have it together some days. It’s hard to see how difficult it is for folks to say goodbye, whether it is the death of a newborn or a spouse you’ve been with 50 plus years.
 
            In Psalm 34:18 we hear “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God is always good and walks with us during these times, but sometimes we need someone who can be the hands and feet of God, whom we can see and touch and can listen to us during these times. We also need to know that its ok to ask for help. I did and it made a big difference.
 
            It is also ok to get help dealing with other forms of loss. Loss of a relationship, divorce, loss of a job, or loss of health are all significant losses which can affect us in the same way as losing someone we love in death. The stages of grief are the same for these events in our lives too.  One of the most powerful things I witnessed after Hurricane Harvey was when the retired Bishop of New Orleans came to Our Lady of Fatima School and met with students and staff. You may remember that students from Shrine of the True Cross School in Dickinson were with us following the flooding of their school. He shared what is was like for him coming home after Hurricane Katrina with close to 7 feet of water in his rectory. He also ministered to many of his people who had lost homes, businesses, and loved ones. This was someone who had experienced the same type of loss and had come out the other side, not unscathed, but stronger in many ways. He was able to give the students hope and he was someone that they could see, hear, and touch that had a shared experience. 
 
            We are all called to be those hands and feet of Christ in the best of times and in the worst of times for each other - to accompany each other and to exercise the ministry of presence. Sometimes by not speaking or trying to make it better, but just being there is enough to make ourselves one with the person who is in grief.  By listening or just sitting in the quiet of the moment so we can know we are not alone, forgotten, or abandoned; to intercede for our families and friends; to pray for comfort, return of joy, and the peace of God which passes all our understanding.